The Equipment Logs
by ShootinSta
Summary: ...Just what /exactly/ does the equipment aboard Enterprise think of their masters? The answer to this question, unveiled! Part Two: Unwarranted fear, what Trip would do if Porthos was gone, and a melding...
1. So Misunderstood

I, my friends, am the queen of procrastination. Instead of writing a new chapter for Realities, I have written three chapters of an original story, and wrote this. 

Where this came from, I have no idea. It was just a random epiphany that knocked into me on its way to someone else.

Disclaimer: I don't own Enterprise. I don't own the equipment. This is just a deranged little idea that was plucked from thin air. 

This was written with help from my oh-so-holy buddy, WandersFar! Everyone clap for WandersFar! *****clapcheer!*

**So Misunderstood: The Universal Translator**

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They don't appreciate me. I do all the work, and who gets the credit? Hoshi, of course. She's the prodigy. She was only _second_ in her class, for goodness sake! _I _would've been _first_ in any class, easy. Just because she can learn a language after looking at it for two minutes makes her _special._

Well, you know what? I can understand a language after only a few seconds! She needs to look at _me _to even begin to understand a language. Without me, she'd be telling a Klingon chancellor she thought he was hot, when she meant to say, 'thank you for dinner'. Without me, she'd be offering the chancellor more than 'dessert', if you catch my drift. I'm the one that has to work my casings off, using thousands and thousands of algorithms just so she doesn't make that mistake. 

But still, it's my fault if she doesn't read my handy little pronunciation key right. They think _I _messed up, and get that engineer up here to fix me! And you know what? He has cold hands. I always get this overwhelming urge to shock him, _just _so his hands would warm up a bit. But of course, they'd rewire me if I even gave him a little zap. If you've ever been rewired, you'd know that it is _not _a pleasant experience.

And every time he comes up here, Hoshi's an inept buffoon. It's exactly the way she behaves when that ornery armory officer talks about some security matter or when that helmsman grins at her. She doesn't push the right buttons, and if she does, she _strokes _them. That's right, she doesn't push them, she _strokes _them. Okay people, _no one _touches me like that! I love Hoshi and all, but that's just too much.

And this is all going on while that engineer is fumbling around with my circuits. Everyone else rants about how _gentle _and _caring_ he is with them. Puhlease! He's like a bull in a china shop when it comes to my delicate circuits and connections! The _warp core _never gets treated like that. It's all, "Trip polished me today," "Trip upgraded me today," "Trip is such a caring engineer!" It sickens me. Do I ever get polished? No. I just get stroked inappropriately. I have two years worth of grime covering my casings, and no one cares. I'll never get a date if I keep looking like this. 

Now Hoshi's pushing my buttons again. Not very gently, either. Be kind to the poor UT, people! Do I get _no _respect around here? Sheesh. 

Oh! New language. And Hoshi's not pushing _any _of the right things to translate it! It's too difficult a language to use any of those simple algorithms! Any moment she's going to start getting flustered because the bridge crew is rushing her....

And, there we go. She's spazzing out and pushing random buttons. That's my Hoshi! She'll hit the right one any minute now.... Nope, never mind. _Almost _the right one, but not quite. I still manage to translate the language, however, incorrect as it may be. No, Hoshi, don't tell the Captain they're requesting our recipe for fondue! That's not what they're asking for....

Do you ever listen to me? They don't want _melted cheese_. If you'd just push that button, the one I'm making blink, right there in the middle, you'd know they want to find if we've _found two_ ships that went missing. Yes, Hoshi. Notice that flashing button. I'll even have it blink in Morse code if you like. That's right Hoshi... it's blinking. Telling you to 'push me'. And you ignore it, instead sending the recipe for fondue to the aliens. Boy, that was a wonderful first contact. We have just spread the joy that is fondue. 

See? They don't want that! Now you're even more flustered because that ornery armory officer is saying the aliens are charging weapons. Stop it! You have work to do! _Stop stroking me, damn it! _Push the blinking button, you idiot! Don't stroke it, _push _it! Well, I have just been violated, but at least you now understand the aliens. 

Great. I'm going to get a visit from that engineer because of the fondue incident. I'm going to get stroked even more....


	2. So Abused

Whee! I'm so happy you like! I don't normally do humor, so this rather new turf for me...

And instead of writing for Realities, I continue...

...This one isn't nearly as amusing, though...

What a shame. Hope you still like.****

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**So Abused: The Transporter **  
  
            Every single one of them hates me. You can't trust the transporter, they say. It won't put you back together right. After all, few trillion molecules is a pretty big jigsaw puzzle. You'll end up with your arm attached to your head. It's a thing of pure _evil_. No one wants to go on the transporter...

  
            Not a bit of that is true! I happen to be _incredibly_ good at jigsaw puzzles, _thank you very much!_ Almost all of the senior officers have been through me, and have they ever come back inside-out? No, because I know far better than to dismember officers! Do they think I have no morals? I'm more respectable than _that_! Who do they think I am? The viewer? Psh. 

  
            The Captain won't even let his _dog_ use me! It's a _dog_, people, not a rocket scientist. And I've seen that dog, he may be cute, but he's not bright. There are a few kibbles missing from the bag, if you know what I mean. I'm insulted that they don't trust me with an _animal_. It's not like we're losing a pivotal member of the crew if I do mess up. Just because he's _adorable_ he can't be put in harm's way. And apparently, _I'm_ harm. 

  
            Even if I _did_ happen to kill the most endearing crewmember on the ship, a new one would always pop up. That engineer would probably love to take the critter's spot. He seems like the type who would roll over to have his belly rubbed -- possibly for that smug Vulcan woman, but even _more_ likely for that linguist.... So, really, if I turned the pup into mush, we wouldn't be losing anyone important. The UT would have a few more problems with the linguist, but that's not my problem, now is it? 

  
            Well, it is my problem when the said linguist decides dreaming that I didn't put her back together correctly warrants _taking me apart_. So, she was stuck in my pattern buffer for a few seconds. Okay, _that_ may have been my fault. But making her lose molecular cohesion? In a dream? That's all her doing, not mine. Don't blame the transporter for some weird hallucination! I was taken offline for weeks after that little incident, and now people trust me even less. 

  
            What did I do to deserve that? Like I said, none of the senior officers have ever come back worse for wear. The _only_ time there was a problem was with that one crewman who was high on a little more than just life. There happened to be a _lot_ of biomatter right there! You can't blame me for not being able to differentiate between leaves and, uh, people. 

  
            Plus, ask anyone who saw him, he looked _better_ with the leaves encrusted in his skin! He was so dull without them. But, of course, instead of praising me, they decide I just can't be trusted. I even helped the linguist get over some of her transporter fear with that idiotic dream of hers, and still I get no praise. 

  
            Of course, the warp core takes advantage of that. Everybody loves the warp core. What would they do without the _warp core_? The universe would just _end_. Egotistical freak takes every chance to rub it in my face. You know what I tell him? Someday I'll be the one they need! Those shuttlepods are _obviously_ less than trustworthy, as something bad always happens to someone in a shuttlepod, and someday, I'll be the one they use to get from place to place. Someday, shuttlepods will be as expendable as ensigns... but no, the warp core doesn't listen to me. Transporters will become obsolete and ensigns will be a pivotal part of the crew. Idiot. 

  
            Oh, look. It's that ornery armory officer, talking in that weird accent of his. Oooh! He's at my control panel! He needs to _use_ me to get someone off a planet. It looks like today is my lucky day, eh? Found the target... transporting him up.... Ouch. A little harder than I thought it would be. There's a little problem.... 

  
            Heh. I thought there was only one person down there. Well, I can now happily tell you, there's one less crewman onboard, as the two have been... melded together. Hey, I'm sure it's a common mistake. It'll happen again soon, to some other poor transporter. I'm not the only one.... 

  
            But now I'll be taken offline again. It wasn't my fault, I'm telling you! It wasn't!

No, I have no earthly idea who was melded together. Nope. Imagine who you like. 

Like I said, not as good. Cute until the end...

It was supposed to be a play on the Voy ep 'Tuvix'. Transporters will do that in future. *nod*


End file.
